KAN TAI PANDA ADVENTURES #4: Housekeeping Kaper

Scene opens up with Kan Tai and Panda standing in a very long line outside of a major stadium. A brief shot of the stadium reveals that today is the finals for the National Housekeeping Championship. Back to Kan Tai and Panda.

PANDA

Who knew that cleaning house would turn into a competitive sport!

KAN TAI

Almost anything is a competitive sport these days. Eating food, video games…

PANDA

Sleeping?

KAN TAI

Possibly.

PANDA

Is this line even moving?

KAN TAI

There’s plenty of time before this event starts, Panda. Be patient!

The motor of a very loud car is heard as it pulls up to the front of the stadium and suddenly there’s a burst of squeals from several female fans in line as they break forward.

PANDA

Who’s that?

The individual in question steps from the car and a splash screen pops up proclaiming that this is Agustin Gates.

KAN TAI AND PANDA

It’s professional wrestler and MMA fighter, Agustin Gates!

KAN TAI

Looks like he’s trying to become a superstar in three sports!

AGUSTIN GATES

(signing autographs) Thank you. Thank you. If you’ll excuse me, I do need to get inside and get ready for the competition.

He flashes a smile that literally sparkles before he steps onto the red carpet and just before he steps into the stadium, gives an evil grin as the show goes to the opening sequence.

KAN TAI PANDA ADVENTURES OPENING
(Theme Song: “GO!” by M83 & Mia Lan)

EPISODE 4: HOUSEKEEPING KAPER

The stadium is full as the scene focuses on Kan Tai and Panda in the front row, both with popcorn and soda in their hands.

KAN TAI

This should be a very good competition!

PANDA

Again, I never really thought of cleaning house as a sport, but look at this crowd. Must be something to it, I guess.

The crowd comes to life as the MC makes his way towards the center of the stage that is made up of several rooms on each side that are both cluttered, dirty and overly trashed.

MC

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the National Housekeeping Championships! The winner of this contest will go on to compete as a representative of the United States in the Worldwide Housekeeping Championship!

The crowd cheers.

MC

Let’s go over the rules of the competition before we bring out our two finalists! First, coming out on your right. A newcomer to the Housekeeping Championships with an impressive streak making it to the finals. Here is Agustin Gates!

Some music plays, confetti falls on the right side of the arena as Agustin comes out of the side entrance and walks towards his stage and raises his hands high in the air.

AGUSTIN GATES

I appreciate all of your worship which is rightfully deserved! Watch as I mystify the entire world and beat the five time reigning champion and walk away with the trophy of all trophies!

MC

And his opponent is the five time reigning champion in all of the Housekeeping tournaments! She is “The Hardheaded Housewife.” This is…

A splash screen for Azurine Vebbins hits the screen as her name is announced by the MC and the fans all cheer like crazy. Some even chant, “We love you, Azzy!” as she steps into the arena with all the fanfare of a champion. Kan Tai and Panda are seen clapping and cheering.

AZURINE VEBBINS

Appreciate you very much, I’m happy for dis opportunity once again. I will always do my best!

MC

As always, the winner of this event will receive this amazing trophy!

Scene zooms in to the trophy that stands between the two competition area and in dramatic fashion, it sparkles and glows. The trophy is huge with sparking gems all over and on top is a golden vacuum cleaner, also adorned with sparkling gems.

MC

This trophy has been valued as half of a million dollars, but it also represents the best housekeeper in this sport. We are about to begin the event so we will give our competitors a few more moments to prepare themselves for battle.

AGUSTIN

I do not need any additional time! In fact, I will begin with a magic trick to end all magic tricks.

MC

Sir, this isn’t a magic competition.

AGUSTIN

Silence, fool! Prepare to be amazed!

Suddenly the stage is filled with smoke and as those on the stage cough and choke, when the smoke clears Agustin and the trophy are both gone.

KAN TAI

Oh no! You know what this mean!

PANDA

The competition is over?

KAN TAI

No! Agustin Gates stole the trophy!

MC

The trophy is gone!

AZURINE

Well, dis is quite da predicament we’ve gotten ourselves into.

Fade in from break and Kan Tai, Panda, Azurine and the MC are on the stage.

KAN TAI

I don’t mean to be too forward, but Panda and I can assist with solving this mystery.

PANDA

We can?

AZURINE VEBBINS

Since I was one of da competitors, I will also assist in locatin’ da spectacular, gem-ridden prize. Agustin Gates must have only taken it cause he feared my prowess behind da broom.

PANDA

Yeah, that. Whatever she said.

KAN TAI

Where do we start?

AZURINE VEBBINS

We can get started as soon as I…

AZURINE grabs a broom and is about to start cleaning up the dirty mess that was left behind by Agustin when KAN Tai rushes over.

KAN TAI

Don’t. This might hold a clue?

KAN TAI reaches over and grabs Panda and holds him over the pile of rubbish.

PANDA

(straining) What are you doing?

KAN TAI

Get that shiny thing over there!

Panda reaches for the shiny thing and Kan Tai pulls him back and Panda hands the item off to Kan Tai who inspects it.

KAN TAI

It’s a coin of some kind, but it’s not money.

AZURINE VEBBINS

May I see dat for a moment?

KAN TAI hands the item off to Azurine.

KAN TAI

Do you know what that is?

AZURINE VEBBINS

I do believe it is an old school arcade coin. You’d exchange money for da coins so you could play video games. I wasn’t aware dese were still around unless deyr was a mouse and pizza involved. And if you look right here, deyr’s a faded logo deyr and it seems to have come from a place called Wonder Palace.

MC

Wonder Palace closed decades ago and has been considered condemned for just as long. The property is abandoned and no one has set foot on it for years. Just let me…

MC pulls out his cell phone and swipes a few times before showing everyone an old black and white photo that he found online of Wonder Palace. The scene changes from the black and white image of the Palace to today’s version of the Palace where some trash rolls by on the ground. But inside…

AGUSTIN GATES

Those idiots never saw it coming. If it weren’t for my super tiny nano-bit vacuum cleaners I used to cheat my way to the finals, I would never have gotten close enough to this priceless trophy to steal it for my collection of trophies!

HENCHMAN 1

You got more trophies than this one, boss?

AGUSTIN GATES

It’s the start of my priceless trophy collection!

HENCHMAN 2

So, it’s the only trophy you got? Ain’t much of a collection, boss.

AGUSTIN GATES

SILENCE! I said it was the beginning and we will travel the globe and “collect” priceless trophies. Super Bowl rings. Stanley Cup.

HENCHMAN 3

Who’s Stanley and why do we need his cup?

AGUSTIN GATES

I told you two not to bring this one. He’s dumb as a box of rocks.

HENCHMAN 1

Sorry, boss. Mom wouldn’t let us leave without him.

AGUSTIN GATES

SILENCE! Let me think. Give me that token so I can play Galaga!

HENCHMAN 2

(reaches into his pocket) Sorry, boss. It must have fell out during the heist.

AGUSTIN GATES

(steaming) WHAT? You lost the one item that can lead the authorities to where we are?

HENCHMAN 2

I guess you could say it like that.

AGUSTIN GATES

(angry)I AM SAYING IT LIKE THAT!

HENCHMAN 2

Calm down, boss. It’s not like they’re knocking on our door.

There’s a knocking sound.

AGUSTIN GATES

YOU WERE SAYING?

Henchman 1 starts to laugh.

HENCHMAN 1

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. (knocks on the wall)

HENCHMAN 2

That was not funny, Sam.

HENCHMAN 1

Hey! Don’t use our real names on the job! Don’t forget what mom said.

HENCHMAN 2

Oh right.

AGUSTIN GATES

Will you both just be quiet? I’m trying to think here.

HENCHMAN 3

Sorry, boss. We know how hard that is for you.

AGUSTIN GATES

What did you say?

HENCHMAN 3

Nothing boss.

AGUSTIN GATES

Here’s what we’re going to do.

Scene changes to outside of the abandoned arcade where Kan Tai, Panda and Azurine Vebbins have arrived via taxi, which speeds off as the trio stands in front of the gated off dilapidated business. Kan Tai walks up and pulls on the gate, but there’s a giant padlock on it.

KAN TAI

Well, foo.

Panda just walks between the bars of the gate and ends up on the other side.

PANDA

I don’t think I’m gonna go any further. It looks pretty scary.

Inside the arcade.

HENCHMAN 1

Hey boss, check this out.

Agustin walks over to the security panel and sees our trio of heroes at the gate.

AGUSTIN GATES

Are you kidding me? It’s that troublesome Kan Tai and her stupid Panda.

HENCHMAN 2

It’s that other one, Azurine Vebbins from the competition.

AGUSTIN GATES

She’s probably here to steal my glory and my trophy.

HENCHMEN 3

What we gonna do, boss?

AGUSTIN GATES

I’ll tell you exactly what we’re going to do with characters who stick their nose into my business. Listen up.

Back outside of the arcade.

KAN TAI

You have to go in and see what’s going on.

PANDA

(standing firmly with hands on his hips) I ain’t going in there and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Just then the padlock opens and the chain falls to the ground, followed by the creak-filled opening on the gate which cause Panda to leap up into the air and his fur to stand out straight.

PANDA

What’s going on?

Kan Tai and Azurine Vebbins steps in.

KAN TAI

You were saying, Panda?

PANDA

Well, we’re all here, we can go in together.

AZURINE VEBBINS

I sense dat perhaps Mr. Gates had a precognition of our presence here and is invitin’ us in for some nefarious purpose.

PANDA

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has no idea what she’s saying.

KAN TAI

Don’t be silly, Panda. She’s saying it’s a trap.

AZURINE VEBBINS

Dat would be correct.

PANDA

Well, I guess this is where we leave and call the authorities.

PANDA turns to leave, but Kan Tai grabs him by his tail and holds him in place though he continues to walk nowhere.

KAN TAI

That would be wrong. Agustin Gates is a cheater and a thief and it’s time to take him down.

Panda stops walking.

PANDA

Take him down where?

AZURINE VEBBINS

I believe she means that we are going to put an end to the shenanigans of Mr. Gates and ensure that the local authorities take him into custody for his crimes.

Panda pauses as if listening to Azurine before he finally shakes his head.

PANDA

Not a single thing of that made any sense to me.

KAN TAI

Let’s go.

Our trio of heroes walk up to the front door of the arcade and as Kan Tai reaches to pull open the door, it swings open all on its own, causing Panda to leap into the air.

PANDA

Are you kidding me? I’m out!

He tries to run away but Kan Tai grabs him and drags him in even as it tries to scamper the other way and Azurine follows. Inside the arcade, several old games are shut down but there’s a single game that is on.

AZURINE VEBBINS

Galaga.

PANDA

This place is abandoned. I don’t think anyone is here. We should just go ahead and get on out of here before someone comes along.

AZURINE VEBBINS

Negative.

KAN TAI

Negative?

AZURINE VEBBINS

Panda’s assumption dat dis place is abandoned is false.

KAN TAI

What do you mean?

AZURINE VEBBINS

If you look around you’ll see the absence of the one thing that would point to abandonment. Just look.

The room is scanned and finally Kan Tai snaps her fingers.

KAN TAI

Dust!

AZURINE VEBBINS

Correct. There is not a speck of dust in this arcade which means that someone is using this facility.

Suddenly, the sound of ‘whoosh’ is heard and our heroes are lifted into the air and are pulled toward the back of the arcade. All the old arcades games begin to slide across the floor as well. Our heroes are able to grab onto a few support beams to stop them from moving.

PANDA

What’s going on?

KAN TAI

I don’t know!

AGUSTIN GATES

(evil laugh) I’m disposing of you three trespassers in the best way that I know how. My giant industrial strength vacuum cleaner created from billions of nano-vacuums!

Sure enough, a closer look at the giant vacuum cleaner shows it’s not one single vacuum, but a ton of little tiny vacuums connected to make a giant-sized vacuum cleaner.

AZURINE VEBBINS

And you lingered to exude your braggadociosly evil escapades?

PANDA

Can I at least have some subtitles?!

AGUSTIN GATES

Indeed, Azurine Vebbins. Your reign as the queen of clean has come to an end and my reign has just begun.

KAN TAI

As the queen of clean?

AGUSTIN GATES

Hush you! You know what I mean! I am the King of Clean! (evil laugh)

As all the old arcade games get sucked into the vacuum, the Galaga machine begins to move towards it.

AGUSTIN GATES

HENCHMEN! I told you to put the Galaga machine away!

HENCHMAN 3

Sorry boss. I thought you said the gravity machine!

AGUSTIN GATES

We don’t have a gravity machine!

HENCHMAN 3

I know, that’s why I was confused!

As the Galaga games flies by Azurine Vebbins, she releases her grip on the beam and lands on the Galaga machine as it flies towards the giant vaccum and as she gets close enough, she leaps on it and takes down Agustin Gates. The henchmen try to help, but walk in front of the path of the vacuum and all three gets sucked in as they scream until they disappear. Azurine Vebbins walks over and unplugs the power to the vacuum and all the nano-vacuums fall into a pile of dust on the floor.

AGUSTIN GATES

Noooooooooo!

Scene changes to a bit later when the police are there to take away Agustin Gates and his henchmen.

PANDA

He’s lucky I didn’t get my hands on him.

AGUSTIN GATES

My plan was genius! I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for Azurine Vebbins, Kan Tai and her stupid Panda.

PANDA

Why does everyone keep calling me stupid?

The MC from the competition rushes in.

MC

Did you find the trophy?

KAN TAI

(shaking her head) No. We found everything but that trophy!

MC

Noooooooooo! Where’s Azurine?

KAN TAI points to the side where Azurine is cleaning up all the nano-vacuums with an actual vacuum as the show fades.

The show returns to a live action version of Kan Tai and her Panda.

KAN TAI

Hi everyone! I want to thank you for watching today’s show! Today we learned that competition is about winning the right way. Cheating, or winning a competition in a dishonest way just isn’t as satisfying as earning it the right way. Always try your best and if you don’t win, just practice harder and maybe you’ll win after all. Isn’t that right, Panda?

Kan Tai holds up Panda and gives him a little shake.

KAN TAI

We will see you next time! Bye!

Kan Tai waves as the scene morphs back into an animated sequence. The familiar location of the warehouse as the lights come up, the door opens and someone walks in with the vacuum trophy and places it on a labeled pedestal. The scene shifts to the same trophy being seen on a monitor as an evil laugh is heard until the scene fades to end the episode.

 

CREDITS

KAN TAI as Herself

PANDA voiced by Cash Mack

AZURINE VEBBINS as herself

AGUSTIN GATES as himself

MC voiced by Tom Peterson

HENCHMAN 1 voiced by Stanley Josh

HENCHMAN 2 voiced by Jeff Moore

HENCHMAN 3 voiced by Nip Sails

END EPISODE